"Life in Slow Motion, somehow it don't feel real...."

Does anyone else have an inner voice that just never seems to shut up? Mine is particularly loud and hasn't really shut up since I learned the results of the US election. I honestly wish I could shut it up.

I don't think of my inner voice as a "her." If I allow myself to wax esoterically for a moment I suppose that would be because our misogynistic society has never been comfortable with women speaking for themselves and my inner voice is often hurtful to me. So, subconsciously I guess I have bought into that role . Oh the conflict!

Anyway, my inner voice had a lot to say to me yesterday as I digested the news and the social media around that election of Trump. Me or my inner voice had a lot to say to me and some of it spilled out on the pages of Facebook. I won't apologize. Many things have been held in for far too long.

I have been coming to the realization for a while that I have lost myself. Que theme music:

Melodramatic, maybe. Honest, definitely. I have always existed mostly in other people's eyes. A fault I understand, but a comfortable spot it had become and thanks to great people in my life I became  a strong, confident, intelligent and productive person. Then I moved overseas. Suddenly the only person who saw me as that person was my Dear Husband (DH). Damn, that's a lot of pressure to prop up someone else like that. An impossible task to put on one person. Therefore over the year I have been retreating for comfort to that inner voice, which isn't always nice to me.

Okay, before you start feeling to sorry for me and begin to imagine the worst, stop! I am not doing anything physiologically destructive and I am hoping to stop the psychological damage now.

You see, because I do see myself in the eyes of others, I have been desperate (really desperate) to make friends in my new home and maybe recreate the person I felt I left behind. My inner voice told me that in order to get along that I needed to go along. "Keep quiet, don't say anything about that (racist, misogynistic, sexist, or unkind)  joke. This isn't your country and you can't criticize as a blow in." I even stopped this blog even before I got started. The reason? I convinced myself that I would offend the few people I did know and wouldn't make any friends.

Well....Fuck That! Inner voice I tried it your way and your way sucked. From now on I am going to remember what I looked like in the eyes of my friends back home. More importantly, I am going to remember what I looked like in the eyes of my adversaries.

I may not gain any friends, but I might gain back some self respect.

Now, I have some things to say about the election results yesterday. Maybe later today.